I want to write my book. The one that has the cover blurb “When he beat cancer in 2016, he decided to share…”. But it looks unlikely.

I’m willing to try. The ‘running repairs’ on the lungs (as both I and the doctors now call them) carry on at 5-6 week intervals. Last time, the gauzy bandage they put over my eyes slipped and/or I wasn’t so sedated so I watched the screen and saw the camera navigate around the tubes of my lungs. It was fascinating. The scope would touch the side and trigger a little irritation, and a millisecond later I would give a little cough. Then the viscous tube would shudder and a little blood and mucus would surround the camera. It would be sucked away. I would suppress the urge to cough and we could then settle down to more probing and cutting and injecting. A fantastic voyage, indeed. As the camera was coming out, it went past two creamy-white blobs on the surface of my windpipe. I heard the surgeon say to his colleagues “there’s two more. we’ll get them next time”. Now I don’t even need the CT scan booked at the end of June. I know what they’ll find. Unless of course the lung guys get to the tumours first.

But these are just tinkerings with the problem. The real cure for cancer requires the miracle drug. And so to early drug trial phase 1 meeting I go. Yes, we have a candidate drug, they say. Something for someone like you who tells us he won’t take any chemotherapy in combination, no matter how potentially appealing the drug we offer.

It’s one of the tyrosine kinase inhibitor drugs. Yes, I know, but let me try to help. Tyrosine kinases are the chemicals that act like an on/off switch on proteins to trigger growth. These proteins are triggered by your genes. Very specific genes trigger very specific proteins and when we look at cancer cells we see too many of these proteins. So, if we could only stop them growing…

The drug being considered for me acts on a very small range of proteins and only around 5% of cancer patient populations have the ‘right’ sort of mutations. So, only a 1 in 20 chance that I’ll be one. The way they find out is to send a bit of my biopsy tissue from the great freezer to the laboratory of the drug company in the USA. They take a look and report back in a few weeks. As the OncDoc said, if it’s a match the red lights will start flashing and the klaxons will go off. Another way of saying: don’t build up your hopes.

He also said it was pretty much the last roll of the dice where drug trials were concerned, for the foreseeable future. They have nothing else.

Drugs that act on such specific proteins, explicitly detected in a person, are the epitome of personalised  medicine. Quite the opposite of the salted earth approach of chemotherapy. Maybe there are other drugs, in other trials, at other hospitals?

And there are other drugs, certainly. Some do the opposite to the inhibitors. They “take the brakes off” your body’s immune system and flood the place with good antibodies. Others act like vaccines and trigger the body to target cancer cells for destruction. Others are “Trojan horses” that get inside the cancer cells and cause them to die. All of it traces back to the discovery of T cells – the immune cells that kill cancer, in 1998.

I’ve had some of them (e.g. Cetuximab) already, with no great results. You read about others in the papers (“wonder drug”, “cure for cancer”). An example is Nivolumab, which was recently licensed in the UK for Kidney Cancer. Another one is Ipilimumab. It’s used to treat melanoma and is ‘only’ 4,000 times more expensive than gold.

But it’s a tough one. There has to be a UK trial. It has to be for your sort of cancer. They have conditions that you must meet (e.g. no more than 2 types of chemotherapy in your history). And, most stringent of all, that you have the right sort of wrong genes.

If you are not mindful, looking for a trial can be a hope-shredder.

No wonder that you turn to the bookstore for the manual to beat cancer. Just drink it, eat it, live it, think it, and all will be changed utterly. It’s like the “Scarborough Fair” ballad, but maybe more along the lines Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Dying.

It’s all down to our blinkered Western philosophy of medicine and the evil machinations of Big Pharma to keep the truth from us. Just consider the list of herbal remedies (e.g. garlic, mistletoe, hypericum, lingzhi mushrooms, milkvetch) that we could turn to instead. Look, the people of China and Vietnam even call the mushrooms “soul/spirit”. They must be good for you? Or, at least OK to take in parallel with traditional medicine?

Maybe not. One study in 2010 showed that a daily dose of St John’s Wort (hypericum) decreased levels of the active metabolite of Irinotecan (chemotherapy) by 42%.

Just think positive thoughts. Thinking positive affects the immune system in a good way so it’s just like taking all those monoclonal antibodies, only free and with no side effects.

Maybe not. Psychologists who have looked at the effects of optimism on immunologically affected diseases such as HIV and cancer have not been able to find a positive link. In fact, there is the disappointment hypothesis: “When things go wrong in a big way, the optimist may be particularly vulnerable.” (Tennen and Affleck, 1987).

I read one account of a “cancer survivor” who pushes the positive thoughts thing as the reason he was cured. He just mentions in passing where his brain tumor was located. He ignores the fact that it is possible to cure some brain tumours with surgery if (like his) they are located on the outside of the brain. Surely, it is his surgeon that deserves the credit?

I never forget my personal outcomes. Like 95% of people with colorectal cancers I had  adenocarcinomas. Like 50% of those patients I was diagnosed with liver metastases. But, only a small proportion of patients with liver metastases are candidates for surgery. I was one of those. Without it, I would have died. Probably sometime in 2010 or 2011.

“What a mean old bastard” you may by now be saying. He’s against a bit of yoga even though it may reduce fear and fatigue for cancer patients. I’m not and I’m certainly not advocating pessimism. I know the sense of helplessness that makes the self-help stuff so beguiling. But I worry about distractions that take us away to a crazy wild optimism (“I heard they had a cure for cancer”), the slow arbitrariness of drug approvals in cash-strapped health systems, and the politics of price controls for insanely-expensive pharmaceutical drugs.

Lighten up.

The worst of all is when someone with a marketing or business consultancy background goes through the cancer thing. They are compelled to tell the story and put it all inside some nice marketing framework. So, let’s go from genes to memes, just like Richard Dawkins did.

There may be someone out there starting his or her book on How to be a Cancer Survivor, so here is a handy list of memes that they could use: Cancer Dojo, Cancer Hacks, Cancer Keeper, Cancer Maven, Cancer Mojo, Cancer Monkey, Cancer Paradox, Cancer Principle, Cancer Senshi, Cancer Warcraft, Cancer Wars, Cancer Whisperer, and Cancer Wrangler. [Warning: some of these may already be in use in actual books, like.]

Others I have considered but cannot really recommend include: Dances With Cancer, The Lean Cancer Handbook, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Cancer Survivors, Blue Ocean Cancer, Game of Cancer, Keep Calm and Have Cancer, Real Housewives of Cancer County, The Only Way Is Cancer, and CancerShifter.

Definitely stay away from Y U NO Beat Cancer?